I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
