Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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