I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
