I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Randomize
