You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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