One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Randomize
