the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
