M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
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