Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
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