wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
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