ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Randomize
