He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize