so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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