Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
