Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
We talked him into tasing himself.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
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