i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
