eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
