Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Randomize
