my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
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Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
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Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
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