theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Randomize
