what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
