Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
