I just pynch a tree in the face
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
