I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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