I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
