bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Randomize
