i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
