I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize
