I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
