he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
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I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
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She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip πππ
Your skills amaze me
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
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