Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
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