She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
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