Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
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