I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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