he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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