see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
