fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
