3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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