in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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