Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
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