Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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