I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
