when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Your shirt... Was in my pants
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
