Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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