Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Randomize
