after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Randomize
