I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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