so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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