Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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