i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
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Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
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Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
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