she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
