Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
We were destined to go to rehab together
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Randomize
