Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
apparently the secret to your success is patron
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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