I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
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