I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
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