non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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