I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Randomize
