it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Randomize
