I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
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