you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
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