she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
