everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
