god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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