Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
