Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
