just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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